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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

How motherhood makes you smarter...

The light that is promising!
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No doubt you've heard the unflattering (but not uncommon) mothering stereotype that babies suck as much energy from your brain as they do from your body. Ouch. Sure, childrearing takes a toll — as evidenced by the time you squeezed nipple cream onto your toothbrush. But giving birth is hardly the equivalent of a frontal lobotomy. In fact, motherhood may be the ticket to boosting your brainpower.

So says Katherine Ellison, the author of the new book The Mommy Brain: How Motherhood Makes Us Smarter. In her book, the Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter, veteran foreign correspondent, and working mother of two young boys presents compelling evidence that having babies can make you smarter.

To get the scoop on how motherhood expands the mind, we went straight to Ellison:

Were you afraid your brain would suffer after you had children?

Yes, I was concerned I'd lose my mind to a world of diapers and baby bottles. In fact, a few weeks after my first son was born (while I was on leave from my job as a foreign correspondent), I had a troubling dream: Space aliens had landed in Brazil's capital, but I chose to stay home because I wasn't sure the story was worth pursuing. In the dream, I completely lost my reporter's instincts. It hit me that this nightmare epitomized my fear that I'd traded in my brain for a new baby.

But sometime later, I read an article about two researchers who discovered that mother rats were smarter — specifically in learning and memory capacity — than rats that never had babies.

And it got me thinking maybe there's more to motherhood than I'd thought.

How does motherhood make women smarter?
Because smart is such a vague term, I broke the brain-boosting benefits of motherhood down into five attributes in the book: perception, efficiency, resiliency, motivation, and emotional intelligence. Each category is supported by many animal studies as well as some human studies showing ways in which mothers have an edge.

The first category, perception, deals primarily with the five senses. One of the most interesting studies showed pregnant women had sharper "visual acuity" than women who weren't expecting. By that I don't mean they suddenly had 20/20 vision but they did notice a lot more.

Studies show that pregnant women also have an enhanced sense of smell, which theoretically serves to protect the unborn baby from foods that are potentially harmful.

Other findings show that mothers can experience a boost in motivation, fearlessness, and the ability to multitask and cope with stress. There's also exciting new research suggesting that oxytocin — a hormone important to labor and breastfeeding — improves moms' capacity for learning and memory.

Emotional intelligence is probably the clearest category in which mothers benefit, though. One of the biggest brain boosts for moms is the ability to see the world through someone else's eyes. In so many relationships, if you don't agree with a person you can just walk away. But you can't walk away from your child. At least, not if you want to be a good parent. Instead, you've got to stretch your mind to understand his point of view.

Did you find that people expected you to be "less smart" after you had children?
Yes. For instance I'd be sitting around with a group of women and someone would say something silly and then laugh it off as "mommy brain." Those kinds of experiences, trivial as they may seem, can make you feel as though you're going to accomplish less in life as a mother than you otherwise might as a childless woman.

Perhaps more important, I got a new editor after my second son was born who let me know that he thought I was going to be less productive and that I wouldn't be able to keep my mind in two places at once. He was wrong, of course, but his distrust shook my confidence for a while.

In what ways did motherhood make you smarter?

I found motherhood tremendously stimulating, like getting a crash course in human nature. I also got much better at time management. Because I'd been a newspaper reporter, I thought I was good with deadlines. But when I had a baby, the deadlines got a lot less flexible. I was forced to manage my days in a whole new way.

As a mother, the notion of having less time to waste informs your whole life. I became smarter about networking with other women, handling chaos, and dealing with difficult people. I know if I returned to the daily newsroom today, I'd be more savvy in dealing with editors having temper tantrums! Apparently former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright shares my viewpoint. When asked which part of parenting helped most in her subsequent diplomatic career, she answered, "Getting people to play well together!"

More generally, motherhood helped me focus on the future. I became determined to prioritize things, like environmental issues, that will matter more in my children's life than my own. At the same time, I found the motivation to accomplish other ambitions I'd had for many years. For instance, I'd always wanted to have a close-knit group of friends, more creativity in my work, and a lifestyle that would give me the leeway to write longer articles and books. All those things came true after I had children. It wasn't simply the act of being a mother, it was thinking about what I wanted to accomplish for myself and for my kids.

Several women in the book talk about making the same type of change. It's sort of like a midlife crisis. Once you have children, you reorganize your priorities. You think about your legacy and take your life more seriously when you realize your children will examine it later.

What was the most surprising thing you learned while researching the book?

My research was full of surprises. One thing that jumps to mind is a series of studies done by scientists in Switzerland, who compared the brain scans of parents to those of childless people. They found parents' brains were more active when listening to a baby's cry. On the flip side, brains of people who didn't have children were more active when they heard a baby's laugh.

This suggests that a rewiring of the human brain occurs once you have children. Some researchers see it as evidence that motherhood makes women more empathetic. One scientist I interviewed says that moms learn empathy skills with their babies that they can later take out into the world at large.

Another surprising study showed that mothers react even to the annoying sound of a baby's cry with parts of the brain that are activated during pleasurable activities like eating a good meal or winning money. By equating the nurturing of a child with great food or sex, nature is ensuring that you'll bond with your baby, and stay engaged with the mental challenges your child will present you with for years to come. It's a pretty great system!

How does "daddy brain" change after the baby arrives?

Some interesting recent studies show that new fathers mimic in many ways the hormonal changes their wives go through, although on a much lower level. For instance, expectant fathers experience a surge of prolactin, a hormone typically associated with nurturing and breastfeeding, as well as increased levels of estrogen, the "female" hormone. Experts aren't sure why men experience these changes, but they think the higher hormone levels may help dads bond with their offspring. And the changes aren't all chemical. I interviewed many fathers who told me they had become more patient and empathetic after spending a lot of time taking care of their kids.

How do mothers make each other smarter?

As a mother, you learn to strategize. When you see mothers exchanging information on the playground, for instance, it may look casual — but they're often earnestly collecting information that will ensure the well-being of their offspring, such as the name of the best teacher at the local school and whether strep throat is going around. Swapping this kind of information isn't rocket science, but it's important in an evolutionary sense.

Are the mind-boosting benefits of motherhood temporary or permanent?
That's hard to measure with humans, but in rat studies the benefits of mothering last until the animals reach an age equivalent to age 80 in humans, which I find very encouraging. And, when it comes to people, we know that seniors who are more connected to the outside world, especially through their children and grandchildren, are often healthier — mentally and physically — than those who are isolated. So motherhood continues to pay off late in life.

Why do you say mothers today need to be smarter than ever?

The mental demands on mothers are greater than ever. To do a good job of helping our children thrive, mothers today have to be information analysts. We're constantly bombarded with information from television, parenting books, and talk shows — not to mention, constant news reports about increasing rates of childhood asthma, autism, and ADHD. We have reason to worry and be up-to-date on everything from mercury in tuna to arsenic in playground equipment.

At the same time, to truly protect our kids, moms must often confront a culture that in many ways is harmful to children. Advertisers now spend fortunes marketing directly to kids — encouraging rampant consumerism and unhealthy diets. A surprising number of moms step up to the plate and become more assertive.

What advice do you have for new mothers?

Just appreciate how much you're learning and how much your brain is being challenged and enriched by your baby instead of turned to mush. You may feel exhausted, but if you pay attention to how much you're learning in an incredibly short time, the sheer enormity of it is energizing.

Oh, and don't underestimate the importance of sleep! If you and your partner share the responsibility of getting up at night with your baby, it'll make both of you better parents in the long run.

The BabyCenter Seven: How to make the most of your mommy brain

Take Back Motherhood: If you lost interest in world affairs when your baby was born, don't fret. Your brain hasn't shrunk — it's just otherwise occupied. New moms become super-attentive learning machines, says Ellison. Your baby is challenging your brain on every level, every minute of the day. You probably haven't absorbed so much new information this quickly since you were a baby yourself, so give credit where credit is due.

Sleep: Sleep deprivation is inevitable, but no one should shoulder the burden single-handedly. In the first year of your baby's life, his primary caregiver stands to lose 700 hours of sleep. Numerous studies have shown that lack of sleep can mess with brain function. In fact the brain's frontal cortex, responsible for keeping you alert, innovative, and flexible, is the first to falter during extended sleep loss. So don't surrender your Z's without question. Instead, sit down with your partner and make a sleep plan. Then stick to it. For each of you to stay as rested as possible, Ellison suggests trading off in three-night shifts. If you're breastfeeding, have your partner bring the baby to you, and pump milk ahead of time so he can bottle-feed the baby when it's your night off. (For more ways to get the rest you need while breastfeeding, check out this article).

Breastfeed: Oxytocin, a hormone released during childbirth and breastfeeding, promotes feelings of calm and cements the mother-child bond. And recent research suggests that this natural mellowing agent may boost your capacity for learning and memory. For a continuous supply of this hormone breastfeed your baby. Experiments show that nursing moms feel more relaxed physically and emotionally and are more sociable than mothers who don't breastfeed.

Get social: Don't let motherhood turn you into a lactating hermit. Being a new mother means you're vulnerable in a whole new way and need people in a deeper sense than you ever have before, says Ellison. Seek out other mothers at the playground, the gym, even the grocery store. Other mothers empathize with what you're going through like no one else. One large study funded by the National Institutes of Health found that belonging to a strong social network correlates with better mental functioning. Plus, social support helps ward off postpartum depression — a problem that affects 10 percent of new moms.

Don't be a couch potato: Having a baby doesn't mean you should trade your gym membership for Tivo. Unlike watching TV, exercise makes more blood flow to the brain and fights off the blues. Make exercise a priority rather than a luxury. Create a pact with your partner to support each other's exercise habits by babysitting while the other goes for a walk or to a yoga class.

Eat your veggies: Your mother was pretty smart to give you this advice. Studies have found that antioxidants in fruits and vegetables can help prevent declines in brain function due to aging, and leafy green and cruciferous vegetables (including broccoli, cauliflower, romaine lettuce, and spinach) are particularly helpful for older women's memories.

Don't neglect the other parts of your brain: Even though your brain is tuned to the mommy channel most of the day, don't forget you also have a "me brain," a "friend brain," and a "spouse brain." Take time to stay connected to yourself and the people who loved you before you became a mother. If you can afford a babysitter, don't feel guilty about spending an hour at a coffee shop staring out the window instead of running errands at full speed or working. If a babysitter is out of the question, use nap time to squeeze in a phone call to a friend and give yourself five minutes to talk about children. Then deem kid-talk off-limits so you both can connect on a different level. The same goes for your spouse. When you finally eke out a few minutes alone, whether at night or (lucky you) on a date, allow yourselves 15 minutes to chat about kid stuff, then make the topic taboo so you can remember what it was that made you decide to have a child together in the first place.

http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/emotrecovery/1428975.html?scid=pcbulletin:20061120:0:0:0

Lounge-d

No it's not Kat's lounge.. it's Eesa's lounge! =)

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Potty time...






Everytime I see Eesoo sitting on the pot, I miss his newborn stage even more :( Bit by bit, he's outgrown his infancy years. It's awesome just going back and seeing his baby pictures; trying to picture what he looked like. =)

Anyhow, above are piccys of him from 2 weeks ago, trying to float out his boats (and hence the constipated expressions:P) :P

Friday, November 17, 2006

The well that refuses to dry up...

So here's how it goes folks! The well wheels are still cranking! they refuse to stoppp!!! but alhamdolillah the good thing is that he's getting used to it now. he's not that milk obsessed anymore, alhamdolillah. and above everything, he's sleeping through the night!! MashaAllah!

I don't sleep till past fajr, but the sleep post fajr used to be really tiring because eesa would drink alot after fajr. alhamdolillah, by the time we get up at 9, i'm really refreshed, though every four five days, i'd need to sleep in the afternoon with eesa to catch up on the sleep.

I've also noticed that he sleeps alot better on our bed than his. this could be either because his mattress is harder than ours or because hes outgrown his bed (which btw, would be really sad coz i absolutely love his bed!!).

MashaAllah I've been intrigued by the amount of things kids notice. I was browsing through an email from IKEA and it had a lantern on it that Maryam has as well. And he made me scroll back up so he could point out that it's the same one as Mannams!

something really funny happened today! eesa loves watching Adam's world but everytime a song comes on, he turns up the volume. He maxed out the volume today so loud, Maryam could hear 'one big family' blaring two stories above! lol. yes, our son was bus'in up some muslim beats! lol he's doing dawah already .. haha!

MashaAllah he's totally in love with his baby cousin. the moment we leave the house, he wants to go see beelaah! he sits and watches beelloos videos over and over again. i absolutely adore the way he's sooo loving with everyone mashaAllah, but esp B. yea he totally smothers poor B, but at least he doesnt smack him - which, by the way, i was absolutely petrified about!!

thats the update from my end. Eeesa's gone to spend the night at daadi's with nadoo phoppo. imo n i are watching raptors... exciting game but the end is almost predictable - despite an excellent effort from the raptors!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Potty training..

Eesa's potty training went back to zero while i was in winnipeg. But alhamdolillah i cant complain coz his weaning got expedited - alhamdolillah, mashaAllah, inshaAllah! lol.

So i decided to look up a few websites and see what I can do to help Eesa out. I looked up CNN, Babycentre, ivillage etc. Out of most of the articles, this is my favorite one. It has a checklist that seems reasonable enough to follow! Most websites say that the more you wait, the better it is. Desis say the exact opposite! Allahu Aalim!

Anyhow. Here's the list to look up:

Your child may be ready to start potty training if she:

• Has regular, soft, formed bowel movements (Check)
• Can pull her pants up and down (Check)
• Imitates others' bathroom habits (likes to watch you go to the bathroom, wants to wear underwear, and so on) (Check)
• Makes a physical demonstration when she's having a bowel movement (such as grunting, squatting, or telling you) (Not yet)
• Has words for stool and urine (Not yet)
• Can follow simple instructions (such as "Give me the toy.") (Check)
• Understands the physical signals that mean she has to go and can tell you before it happens (not yet)
• Dislikes the feeling of being in a dirty nappy (not yet - and cool alerts from huggies DONT work)
• Has "dry" periods of at least three or four hours (this shows her bladder muscles are developed enough to hold her urine in and store it) (check)
• Isn't negative about everything (Check)
• Understands the value of putting things where they belong (Not yet - do they ever???)
• Demonstrates a desire for independence (Not always)
• Can walk and sit down (Check)

Weaning Day 6!

So alhamdolillah its day 6. Just a recap: spent three days weaning when he didnt see me. Two days when he did see me. Today is the third. SubhanAllah so far so good - rocks and all - apart from a slight glitch this afternoon!!

This afternoon, despite protests from Eesa, i put him down to bed to sleep by stroking his hands etc. I'd been so tired since my trip that I fell asleep with him too. When I woke up, he was nursing off me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So i gently pulled out so he wouldnt realize it. He'd eaten through a bit of the white out! thats WHACK!!! Anyhow i checked online and it said white out int hat quantity is not toxic... subhanAllah!!

on the positive side, Alhamdolillah it feels like a big relief coz one of them was a huge rock and hurt like one too! Its more .... heavenly now! Especially since i can finally feel something apart from soreness... lol!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Weaning update...

If you ever wanna see what a drug addict craving his dose looks like, come look at Eesa!

He's going through massive withdrawal symptoms. Since my rocks are sore, and i coloured them white with white out (LOL!), he thinks i've hurt myself. All morning he kept telling me to 'whash' (wash) it out. I showed him its not coming off and it hurts to touch, he got really worried for me. The first time he saw it, he gave this really disgusted look and went 'YUCK!'. There have been moments today when he was literally writhing on the floor! A couple of times he even grabbed my arms super tight and clenched his jaws so tight that his body was shaking. LOL! I know it sounds scary, but it's not. It's actually really funny - and sorry!

Poor thing I feel soooooooo guilty denying him his "euphoria". *sigh* LOL

A word of advice to those of you who know weaning mums, DONT HUG THEM!

it HURTS - Like REALLY HURTS. lol.

Remember us in your dua'as please. Please pray that we get through this trial with ease inshaAllah. ameen!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The well is drying up... NOT!

Those of you mums who haven't weaned a baby - if u carry the notion that it just stops one fine day! you couldn't be further from the truth!

The well doesn't dry up, even when you WANT it to.

So here's how my tale goes!

I've been in Winnipeg the last three days, yes THREE whole days, thinking this is a perfect opportunity for the well to dry up AKA Cold turkey weaning! For those who know me well, I've been battling with separation anxiety and hence been procrastinating on the weaning. Well this trip sounded like the perfect opportunity!

BAD IDEA!

It's been HORRIBLE. I miss my baby. Worst still, I'm walking around with two rocks. Ofcourse, one larger than the other. Moreover, I'm not expressing in fear of never putting a stop to the production line. However, bottom line, it HURTS!

But boy oh boy, do hot showers work!! i've had four today! one early in the morning but by dhuhr i was hurting again. So i prayed qasr and during the asr break ran upstairs to take a shower. Another one during dinner and one just before leaving for hte airport! SubhanAllah it has such a numbing effect. So nice!

It's been 5 hours since my last one, I've been sitting at the airport for eons, but my flight keeps getting delayed. *sigh*

Friday, November 10, 2006

I miss you...

I flew down to Winnipeg this morning. You were deep in your sleep, but I was missing you even before I left you. It felt so hollow. Saying goodbye to you tis morning has perhaps been the toughest thing i've done in the last two years. I left before you woke up, because that would have been even tougher!

I'm so torn. I felt evil and I felt so guilty. I feel drained. But i know there's some good! inshaAllahu ameen.

However, I've been missing you through out the day. There were moments during the day when I'd totally phase out and simply think of you and baba. I was dreading having to sleep without you two cramping my space. I missed your laughter and just the sight of you sleeping away this morning - that priceless look! it's been etched on my mind. I miss you eesoo!

c ya soon! hopefully! muahz!
love Mama

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Eesa's dictionary..

Have I mentioned how much I love the way Eesa blurts out random words these days?

Today we were out for dinner and it was raining, so Imran told Eesa it's baarish (rain in urdu). The most adorable thing happened a few hours later. Imran and Eesa were doing their bedtime routine ( they usually read or play puzzles) and they were playing on Elmo's wrold's website (MOST entertaining for kids, i have to admit) - anyhow, during one of the games about the weahter, there were rain drops falling on Elmo and eesa blurted out baarish! sooooooooo priceless, i must tell u!

Here are a couple of baba-time pictures...

Just putting up the pix make my heart melt! I heart the sight of them togehter, mashaAllah. Imran's really close to his dad and I am really close to my dad (in a very different, and super fiesty and opinionated way!~ :P love ya baba!), so I'd love for Eesa to continue the tradition with his Baba.

MashaAllah both of them spend alot of QT together and are jokes together. Imran has been really great at giving Eesa the balance that he requires for a well rounded upbringing. I was really scared that Eesa would charm his way into making Imran flex his rules, but MashaAllah Imran's been a super dad. He's been a really loving and well grounded dad so far, mashaAllah. Not only is he mashaAllah really involved in his physical upbringing but in his emotional wellness as well. I feel like one of those newly married girls who only speak like 'my husband says, my husband thinks' but subhanAllah, I can't help it! my boys rock my world!:P I can't talk about one and leave out the other!! :P hehe!

I also have to mention another adorable Eesa tactic. If Imran's busy doing something and he's not listening to Eesa, Eesa would list out all his names for Imran. He'd start with 'moh' then move to 'baba' then to 'abbiiiiii' - soooooooooooooooooooooooo adorable!!!! mashaAllah. i love the way he stretches the eeeeee on abiiiii. lol. makes me wanna make imran ignore eesa on purpose. lol!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Eesa Milestone..

We’re talking & puzzling!

SubhanAllah in the last three weeks we’ve picked up sooooooooooooo many words. Some of them soooo random like ‘heavy’ or wait or ‘Sheza’ or ‘Sharmin’ or ‘Shellfoh (cellphone)’ or dai (dahi for yoghurt) or bootay (bhuttay for corn) or cahseat (for carseat) and ja-ah for jazakAllah. All of a sudden in the last three weeks he’s picked up over 30 words mashaAllah! He also recognizes people. I was showing him pictures from last years eid where I was standing next to maryam, beenish and aasiya. He pointed everyone out - shesha, mannam, B, aasi. i was quite thrilled, i must say! lol

He’s picking up grammar too. Here’s my favorite! He often picks something and goes ‘mine’ to which I reply ‘mama’s’. So now whenever I ask him for his name or for anything… he goes ‘Eesa’s’ or dais for yoghurts… basically everything is in plurals now.

His second milestone, he's figured out how to do board puzzles. yes mashaAllah! he can do them! he's also able to count upto 8 and can fix the alphabets and numbers into their slots. alhamdolillah that can keep his attention for some time mashaAllah and so thats a bonus!:P

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

To baby or not to baby?

Recently Maryam posted something regarding desis having this urging instinct to warrant advice – wanted or unwanted. That has been something that has been bothering me for quite sometime now. But what bothers me even more is the deficiency of tact employed when firing out bullets of wisdom and the equally efficient amount of conviction in their right of interference.
It can be any issue. I really don’t mind the general ones – opinion on what to feed kids or what to make them wear etc. It’s the ones around the realm of personal issues that make me want to hand out duct tapes (Canadian solution to every problem).

The height of this is when a random aunty would mention – absolutely condescendingly so- that she’s raised 3, 4, 5 or 6 kids and that she’s never experienced her kids doing so and so. The number one rule of raising kids is to remember that each child is different. Two siblings can be completely different, much less two kids from two different sets of parents in two different generations. Duct tape for you lady - you no longer have a right to offer advice!

The problemis, the same point could have been made with a little more tact. How about something polite like, ‘really? That’s amazing, my kids didn’t do that until much later’. But ofcourse, positive reinforcement is a lil too tough for desis. Perhaps even a statement (albeit its as old as them) that goes: ‘kids today…!’ would have been somewhat less critical.

These days I’m being hammered with questions about ‘Musa’ (a codeword for a new baby.. basically for the sake of rhyming with eesa… the word was used for the longest time to poke at maryam to bring about a baby cousin musa, now its for sheza to bring about a baby brother for eesa). I don’t mind it coming from people that are close to me or who mention it as a suggestion. But for those who adhere to tactless poking, another strip of duct tape for you!

Really, who’s business is it to begin with? I’ve had an aunty reprimand a close friend, who was about to go for a vacation, to come back pregnant. Another incident where an aunty I met at a service centre on my way back from New Jersey, an interaction of a mere 5 minutes or less, felt privileged enough to comment about the fact that Eesa was already 2 and basically it’s about time I got my womb wheels cranking. (yes I too gasp each time I re-read this statement). I’ve got to mention the lady had a lot of tact (and nerve) but duct tape for you too lady… get to know me first!

Another incident, an aunty reiterating the benefits of having kids earlier in the marriage to a friend who has been married for ten months and is also about to get divorced next month. Bless her for having a lot of tact, but lady it’s really none of your business to begin with. Duct tape for you too.

I think I should come up with some lame comebacks for lame aunty comments. Some thing like…

Aunty: when’s musa coming?
Me: (polite) Whenever you’re available for babysitting *plastic grin*
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Aunty: when’s musa coming?
Me: (evil inside thought) when ever you’re willing to gain 50 pounds with me
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So here’s something for you guys…. How about you guys help me gear up with some quick quips?

Aunty: when’s musa coming?
You: …..??