To baby or not to baby?
Recently Maryam posted something regarding desis having this urging instinct to warrant advice – wanted or unwanted. That has been something that has been bothering me for quite sometime now. But what bothers me even more is the deficiency of tact employed when firing out bullets of wisdom and the equally efficient amount of conviction in their right of interference.It can be any issue. I really don’t mind the general ones – opinion on what to feed kids or what to make them wear etc. It’s the ones around the realm of personal issues that make me want to hand out duct tapes (Canadian solution to every problem).
The height of this is when a random aunty would mention – absolutely condescendingly so- that she’s raised 3, 4, 5 or 6 kids and that she’s never experienced her kids doing so and so. The number one rule of raising kids is to remember that each child is different. Two siblings can be completely different, much less two kids from two different sets of parents in two different generations. Duct tape for you lady - you no longer have a right to offer advice!
The problemis, the same point could have been made with a little more tact. How about something polite like, ‘really? That’s amazing, my kids didn’t do that until much later’. But ofcourse, positive reinforcement is a lil too tough for desis. Perhaps even a statement (albeit its as old as them) that goes: ‘kids today…!’ would have been somewhat less critical.
These days I’m being hammered with questions about ‘Musa’ (a codeword for a new baby.. basically for the sake of rhyming with eesa… the word was used for the longest time to poke at maryam to bring about a baby cousin musa, now its for sheza to bring about a baby brother for eesa). I don’t mind it coming from people that are close to me or who mention it as a suggestion. But for those who adhere to tactless poking, another strip of duct tape for you!
Really, who’s business is it to begin with? I’ve had an aunty reprimand a close friend, who was about to go for a vacation, to come back pregnant. Another incident where an aunty I met at a service centre on my way back from New Jersey, an interaction of a mere 5 minutes or less, felt privileged enough to comment about the fact that Eesa was already 2 and basically it’s about time I got my womb wheels cranking. (yes I too gasp each time I re-read this statement). I’ve got to mention the lady had a lot of tact (and nerve) but duct tape for you too lady… get to know me first!
Another incident, an aunty reiterating the benefits of having kids earlier in the marriage to a friend who has been married for ten months and is also about to get divorced next month. Bless her for having a lot of tact, but lady it’s really none of your business to begin with. Duct tape for you too.
I think I should come up with some lame comebacks for lame aunty comments. Some thing like…
Aunty: when’s musa coming?
Me: (polite) Whenever you’re available for babysitting *plastic grin*
-=-=-=
Aunty: when’s musa coming?
Me: (evil inside thought) when ever you’re willing to gain 50 pounds with me
-=-=-=
So here’s something for you guys…. How about you guys help me gear up with some quick quips?
Aunty: when’s musa coming?
You: …..??
posted by Shezalldat @ 7:17 PM
8 Comments:
GOD!!! I totally know how you feel, aunties are soo annoying. I have had a MILLION people ask me when I plan on having a kid - I mean I totally dont mind my friends bugging me about it, or some older "aunties" (not really aunties, cause they are really cool) bugging me about it, but randomn people I dont know, nor do I care about, constantly being on my case about how I am getting too old to have a child - GEEEEZE they were all older than me before they even got MARRIED!!!I mean they were bugging me when I had my one year of just nikkah and I wasnt even LIVING with Umer, yet they wanted me to have a kid?!?!?!? DONT YOU THINK I SHOULD SETTLE DOWN FIRST - next thing you know they will bug single women to have kids!!!
and they all think I should give up school or should do school and a kid - why? why should I give up school, if I dont want to, (hey, for people who want to, thats great mashaAllah, but it should be your decision) and why should I juggle both (for people that do, I applaud you, I wish I had that strength) when i know I cant - I dont want my child to suffer because I have other things in my life - i want to devote my time to my child and I'm going through school to become a better mother and to learn to teach my child if me and umer go with the whole homeschooling thing.
so shezzi I TOTALLY GET IT!!
i mean when we are single, the bug us about getting married and try to set us up with every random guy
its like they think our only purpose is to get married and then when we do our only purpose is to have kids and when we do have a kid our only purpose is to pop out some more - GEEZE - they are never satiated!!
and shezzi - seriously, if you want to wait longer its awesome, I think for my personality, waiting 4-6 years between each child works best - my mom did that and I loved having 6 years of her all to myself and then she waited 5 years between my sis and bro and my sister really loved it too and of course my brother loved getting her attention - it was easier for her, because we were old enough that when we "helped" out it actually was a help, we didnt get jealous and we really wanted a sibling by that time - we also had already had a good time with my mother that it wasnt hard to see the new baby take all the attention - and you would think that because of our age diff we arent close, we are close but just in a different sense than siblings that are close in age - plus i really learned a lot about bring up kids cause I was old enough both times to remember and understand what my mother was doing
anyways
thats my really long comment and venting session
hope you enjoy!!
Ayesha
grr. was just talking to atika about this yesterday. everyone loves having a self righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. maybe its a bit badtameez of me (ill mannered) but i dont get why we have to sit quiet, afraid of speaking out and offending the aunty, all the while we are sitting fuming being extremely offended by that same person. dont be rude, but there are ways to say things politely and get ur point across to back off. i would say 'im glad it worked for you and ur kids, but my child is different than yours'. or jokingly reply. after all the 'bundle your child' comments i got, i would say jokingly '*laughs* i'm with my child 24/7, i know when he's hot and when he's cold'
about musa...another grr. when i went to pakistan in jan, it was after my 2 miscarriages, and had i not been prgnant, i think i woulda had an emotional breakdown. i got 'do u have kids? why dont u have kids? when are u gonna have a kid? blah blah blah'. one aunties daughter was so embarrassed, she kept tugging at her moms shalwar saying 'MOM!' but mom kept on wiht her interrogation. ppl dont understand that sometimes people have problems. and the best part of it all, is that the best reply i got was from the maid at z's cousins house. when i told her i didnt have kids she said 'allah is the giver of life, it will happen when its meant to'. this reply was better than the ones i got from 'educated' aunties. but i think the maid assumed we couldnt have kids from the get go, when in fact we only started thinking about kids 1.5 years after marriage
How about this---
Why my next baby should be a boy? We already have one boy so My Hubby is rooting for a lovely girl this time.
Eesa is a cuty pie.
I meant "Cutey Pie" :D.
u know what the worst thing is....
they think as if they hav some sort of right over u even when they dont know u to push u towards it
i mean HELLO! i know better than anyone how many kids i can handle n pop out of me!
*venting*
huh!
this is a perfect example of the impossible!
Aunty: when’s musa coming?
You: When Allah Wills :)
end of story.
hmmm
lol
yea thats the best!
why don't you plan one before me
Hina
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